Some may have wondered how I am a year after the Safeguarding enquiry. For those who don’t know the story, a few days before my mother’s death, my GP informed me that ‘several’ sources’ had reported that I was messing around with my mum’s medication. FACT: I didn’t deal with her medication, except on one occasion when I crushed up a paracetamol with a gadget when the Panadol ran out and the carers refused to go and get a new lot. I had absolutely no idea where the Oramorph was, as I was very busy completing forms for funds to help pay for mum’s care, trying to get refunds and organising repairs to the house etc. In short, someone had informed various sources that I was putting pressure on two? night carers to give mum Oramorph (liquid morphine) when they judged she didn’t need it.
During the enquiry, two events were identified. One on the 9th May (lorazepam) and one on the 11th. I would have been asleep upstairs but often came downstairs for water around 4 am. Some nights, I popped my head round the corner to check everything was ok but visits would not have lasted more than two minutes. Someone from social services decided that the Oramorph be hidden in a box and that the code for the safelock where the key was kept should be changed. That meant that I wouldn’t have access if I had wanted to administer the drug myself. (The thought never occurred to me and I left all medication matters to those who had focus and a memory). Now I realise how dangerous that decision by social services was. If I had fallen, Mum was in no state to ring 999 and if I had been able to get to a phone, I would have given people the wrong code. They would have had to break the door down.
For those who are wondering, I was given no details about the accusations at the time but the little I was told seemed strange to me. They didn’t tell me that they had heard that I was pressurising carers into giving mum an overdose. That I might harm her. There was also some talk about wanting to change the will, making video nasties (ie abuse), and someone mentioned neglect. For those new to the blog, I paid carers to look after mum from 8 to 8 and when she became very frail, I paid for two day carers and a night one. What neglect? I did talk to her about changing the will to add her new great grandson. Hardly a sign of abuse. The Statement of Wishes lying on the table as I’ve mentioned before, was missing for three days, but by then, mum couldn’t even hold a pen so it remained unsigned. Sibling saw it there. Happily, the solicitors found it and there was no need for a new one. The old one was dated 2009. So there was no attempt in 2020 by me to arrange anything to allow me to stay in the house without pressure. And BTW, the document has no legal standing, so it’s what it is. And that is not very much.
Having obtained all the records from the various agencies and the Ombudsman, bar those held by social services (ahem), a slightly different picture has emerged. First regarding the drugs. Mum seems not to have been given Oramorph on the 11th, as the carer was asked about amount and frequency during the visit on the 13th and the nurse recorded on that day that he had instructed the private carers to administer the drug as mum was in pain when moved. And they moved her every two hours. So the events on the 11th didn’t happen as discovered by a nurse. Heard and recorded in official document. Another entry in different records revealed that mum cried in pain. This time, the agency carer did give mum some Oramorph. In all, those carers gave mum 5 doses throughout the whole period the drug was in the house. That’s not a lot. the GP had prescribed 4 doses per day. More importantly, I’m not mentioned as having involved myself with these five events. I wasn’t there. I am only referred to as having talked with carer Alice one night when mum was restless and suggesting trying lorazepam. I left the decision up to her. Suggesting is not pressurising or intimidating. I returned to bed and didn’t see her give it.
On one occasion, I popped by at night and whispered to mum if she was ok. She whispered back that she was in pain. I told the carer and left. That carer does not seem to have given mum Oramorph. There’s no record. In other words, she left mum in pain.
This was not what I had planned. I wanted mum to have a good death, not a painful one. I am horrified what actually happened. Nice of carer R to ring the GP on the 12th to support her friend’s account on the 11th but she wasn’t there and her friend had lied. And there’s more. R also encouraged another carer to inform her boss that I had given her the wrong information about the dose of lorazepam. I did no such thing. I didn’t know it and the carer had to find the dose from the MAR but she wasn’t on the ball so gave mum a whole instead of half a tablet. Then, obviously encouraged by R who was there, she rang her boss to blame me. So M and R worked together behind my back. However, they were their usual lovely selves when talking to me.
Recall that both M and R, as I noted before, had failed to help mum when she was in pain after the enema. They stood by and watched mum cry. I had informed a nurse and left the rest to others. I trusted them to help mum. Perhaps ring the GP. I now read that they didn’t. I really should have put some pressure on people. What kind of carer stands by while a person is clearly in agony? They can’t have liked mum as they claimed they did.
Another point, recorded by an agency carer who liked a gossip, detailed that I had asked mum if she was getting good care. She didn’t answer. I was a touch surprised but left it at that. Now, thinking back, I recognise that her face was that of ‘hell, no’. She had the same expression when someone kept asking her to eat again and again, and she got thoroughly fed up. I sense that she couldn’t tell me at the time as gossipy carer was nearby. I also believe she knew about the nastiness going on behind my back.
Just before she died, she apologised. I thought it strange, given she couldn’t help dying. But now I suspect that she was sorry for not having warned me. I hadn’t said anything abut the enquiry but she may have heard something from the loose-lipped carers.
Reading that mum was crying in pain and not knowing about it broke my heart. I had paid for all her care since January 2020 and had hoped to give her a good end. I feel that I failed. Her pain had not been well controlled, and I assume that she had no Oramorph from the private carers at least, until the 13th. Incidentally, they kept records for all drugs and I can even tell when mum had her eye drops and vitamins, but I found no indication that they had given Oramorph or lorazepam, even after the 13th.
A legal (pre-action) letter asking for information confirmed that private carer M stood by her allegations and she did what she did out of concern for my mother. Now I know that meant no Oramorph when mum was in pain, if the records are accurate and complete. She added that she had lots of supportive evidence. Perhaps in her mind, because I have the documentation that shows she was lying, not least on the 11th, and the real supportive evidence indicates that her ‘care’ for my mum was not the type you expect of an empathetic person.
I’ve left all those concerned with the enquiry behind. Alas, that meant problems with family members who don’t want to know both sides of the story but have judged me anyway. Moreover, they could pass on information to others and that may be used against me in a court of law.
From now on, I want to surround myself with kind and honest people. People who know and like the real me. People who don’t gossip behind my back. Or lie.
What I do still have to deal with are those tears. I’d seen my mum cry twice times in 64 years. She’s the stoic type. Now I know there were more occasions. I wanted to provide her with the best care. To keep her comfortable. To get her the right help if what we had wasn’t enough. If only she knew how sorry I feel.
PS Still not given any records by social services. That means I can’t make use of the legal right to rectify.
July 1
For those who’ve had enough, don’t read on.
Two parts from the Ombudsman’s report. With thanks for the information that Social Services would not provide.
There is no way to alert anyone to the identities of those involved in this inhuman, cruel act against a fellow carer and the person who paid them after January 2020, and what concerns me is that given they’ve got away with such malicious behaviour once, they might try it again with their next employer.
So I accuse:
Melania Ion and Rebekah Pires of unprofessional behaviour, poor care at the end of mum’s life, passing on disinformation to and colluding with third parties, as well as deliberate efforts to hurt me. There’s no law that covers this and no way to warn potential future employers.
And I accuse Charlotte Corey and Emma Flowers for not checking anything eg asking nurses to see how much of the drugs was left. (A lot). And Charlotte for approaching me as though I was six. Telling me multiple times that my mum was 96 and very frail. Really? As a PHD in psychology, I ended up laughing. It was so totally inappropriate and unprofessional. I stopped the game and asked her to state what she wanted to know from me. Not clear but she did write down that I denied being involved with medication. She just took no notice. No one did. Now, had I been an able-bodied male, might they have been less biased?
A wobbly tulip from Amsterdam. 